Warning this post is not going to be very nice. It will include harsh judgements and harsh language. If you continue to read (which I suggest that you do) I warned you!
Oh awkward singles ward activities, how I heart you! Tonight we had a combined FHE with another ward. It was a St. Patricks day activity complete with green waffles and Irish dancing. There is this amazing girl in our ward who dances professional Irish dancing and kindly told us that she would teach us.
Before the dancing starts, I am sitting at the table eating my green waffles and laughing really hard with my friends. We start talking about the Irish dancing and I tell them of a past ward activity. When I lived in Logan over the summer half of my apartment complex was old people. During summers in Logan the elderly from Arizona or other southern states come to Logan and live in ghetto student apartments in Logan. Nothing beats Logan in the sumertime, it is just so fantastic! Anyway, I told my friends that 2 summers ago we had a ward activity where we learned square dancing in the parking lot with the old people. When the dancing started we were encouraged to grab an elderly person to dance with us. So I took the lead and asked one of the cute old men to dance with me. Don't even worry about 3 minutes into the square dancing I figure out this man is totally plastered. He was a good dancer but I kind of felt a little strange how he would hold me so close next to him. It's square dancing. . . not slow dancing. Anyway, as the night went forward and partners were switched up some of my friends informed me that they are pretty sure he was the ONLY one who had been drinking. And of course I was the one who got stuck dancing with him. To be honest, it was not even that bad because he was a funny old drunk guy. So I am telling my friends the condensed version of that story and end by saying, so hopefully I don't get the drunk old guy tonight!
Then we all get out on the dance floor and learn 2 dances. The first one was way fun and I danced along with my friends. Then we took a little break and most of my friends ditched out for the second dance except for my friend Jess. For the second dance we had to form 2 lines. One girl line and one boy line. It looked to me like Jess was going to be paired up with "Olympic guy". Now you may be thinking to yourself, "Oh Olympic guy, he sounds hot and muscular" NO NO NO, let me describe him to you. He is about 5 foot tall (Most likely shorter than that), not the best kept hair, wearing a nasty grey shirt that says Olympics with the Olympic rings on them. So as the line is forming I am trying to be paired up with someone that is not him. Jess and I think she is going to be paired up with him and she turns to me and says "I think I am about to have an Oh S*** Moment!" And yes, she really did swear in church! I turn my back to the line across from me and start laughing. . .hard. Jess was trying to get out of the line and dance the boys part just to get away from him. I then said, "Knowing my luck I will get him" AND then don't even worry who was my partner? Olympic guy! I was experiencing the Oh S*** moment for sure! I then thought to myself, I want to be the one who is old and drunk at this moment just like the old guy who I danced with in Logan. So we start learning the dance and I am thankful that I didn't have to touch him too much. But don't worry, I could just smell him instead. (I know I am so mean but don't worry I was trying to laugh it off the whole time) I then make eye contact with my friends who are standing in the corner of the room, looking at me, and laughing at me. FINALLY the dance was over and Jess without any hesitation turns to me and says "Go wash your hands!"
After washing my hands I return back to the gym and have a good laugh with my friends. Then I hear that they are going to do the dance again. I grab my friend Thomas and make him hide me so I don't have to go back out there. Am I in Jr. High you ask? Well. . .why yes I am! I was NOT going back out there! Some other girl danced with him instead. Bless your heart you 19 skinny year old girl! Take one for the team!
So I am watching them dance and it was worse than I thought. The Olympic guy's pants would not stay on and they were sagging. Not only were they sagging bad, but it was to the point where if you were looking at him from the side, his pants were slipping down so you could now see the half moon that his skin was creating from the bottom side of his grey underwear, where the bottom line curves up. GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, I am feeling slightly guilty for being so mean but at the same time it was really funny! After all is said and done and everyone is leaving I get my friend Thomas' phone number. I was making sure that he did not give me a fake number because he was joking around about that and so I started texting him.
Our text conversation went like this:
Me: "Thanks for damaging with me" (supposed to be dancing. . . but auto correct thought otherwise!"
Thomas: "You are so welcome"
Me: "Who is this?"
Thomas: "The olympic guy"
*at this point I lost it! I was laughing so so so so hard because it threw me off so bad!
Me: "I was laughing so hard I almost could not see to drive and kind of threw up in my mouth!"
I really do enjoy ward activities and appreciate all the time and effort that people put into them. Just every once in a while there are those awkward ward activities that I can't help but blog about! I love life!
And one other thing that has nothing to do with a singles ward activity but just think some of you will enjoy this story!
So on Valentines day I get a package from a guy named Mike Boccongelle from Ferndale Washington. (Which is the coolest last name ever and I have no idea how to pronounce it!) and I am thinking to myself, Um. . .I have no idea who this is and why is this Mike dude sending me a valentines day package?
I eagerly rip it open and there is a box of peanut butter granola bars inside. I then think to myself, what kind of Valentines day package is this? I mean yes, I do love peanut butter and I do love granola bars so this secret Mike Boccongelle must know me well, but I have no idea who he is!
Then I remember! About 3 months ago I was on a coupon website and there was this advertisement for these new granola bars. All you had to do was fill out you name and address. I like free food and so decided to do so. Three months later on Valentines day I received my free granola bars to which I thought was a valentine. Alas, no valentine after all.